I have often wondered how it would feel to have my own blog....and now I have one! So-- that being said, let me first say I am a complete novice at this--so please forgive if it comes across as completely "stupid". Interestingly enough, I'm not much of a journalist, but have heard of the theraputic benefits of blogging. And, since I can always use some therapy---here I am!
Let me start with a brief introduction. I am a 36-year-old (almost 37!) mother of four; five (5) if you count my stepson. I am married to a wonderful man, whom God brought into my life at just the right time! I have three (3) beautiful children from my first marriage and one (1) handsome boy from my current [and final] marriage.
By first glance, one would think I'm a woman that's 'got it all together'. I tend to portray a self-confident, friendly, fun-loving person. Each of these characteristics are there...but just covered up with years and years of issues that I continue to allow to take my joy. I grew up the middle child of three. I often refer to myself as the "traumatized middle child." My family has heard it for years, and in fact, it has come to be a big joke. However, I'm not sure they realize to what extent I feel traumatized.
First, let me say, I am not blaming anyone for my lack of self-confidence; in fact, I work real hard to "own" my issues. I have the perfect older sister; and by all accounts, I really think she IS. I love her to death. In fact, to some degree, I envy her. Not the BAD type of envy (there is a difference, isn't there?), but the type of "I wish I would have made similar choices" type of scenario. I respect her immensely. She has perfected the art of listening and is there for me whenever I need. I'm sure there is a part of her that gets tired of hearing me wail...but she never lets me know it. God truly blessed me with the best sister in the world. She is two years older, which meant for a constant comparison early in life. We both sang in choirs, played athletics, etc. It probably didn't help that we went to a small private school where everyone knew everyone. She graduated Valedictorian of her class.......I was a A/B student. She made the All-Star team in basketball....I didn't. She married the smart, successful man....I didn't. [You can see the progression of things.] She has three (3) wonderful children who seem to be following in her footsteps (good for them!).
My little brother, also perfect, is a worship minister at a well-known church. He has the most beautiful voice (truly) and is extremely talented! Seven years separate us, so by the time I was out of the house (age 20), his formidable teen years received all the attention necessary by our parents. He was the envy of everyone; good-looking, tall, basketball player with extreme talent. He went to a private college, where he was immediately welcomed with open arms to the music department. In fact, he ended up singing for the group that traveled around the country and ended up touring the world. He was often on television, too. He married on of the girls he traveled with (I think her voice might be even more beautiful than his!) and they have three (3) children and are expecting their fourth.
So--back to the "traumatized middle child." I am an openly-emotional, loving, happy-go-lucky person. I can't mask my feelings to any extent. If I'm happy, you'll know. If I'm mad, it's written all over me. Whereas my sister is reserved and non-emotional, I am the opposite. I was referred to by my father as "sensitive" on MANY occasions. To this day, I cringe when I hear that word! My father and I did not have a very good relationship. His personality is very unemotional, to-the-point, disciplined, etc. I follow more after my mother; kind-hearted, sympathetic, EMOTIONAL, passionate, etc. It would seem as though my father and I speak completely different languages. This affected me greatly, as I never felt "approval" from him. I felt I was always trying to make him happy and pleased with me...but to no avail. As a result, I ended up marrying someone who was available and asked. [I'm just being honest.] I did not feel attracted to him in any way, nor did I understand the meaning of love. Sadly, I'm convinced he didn't either (still doesn't). We had a miserable marriage...even though I kept telling myself things would get better. I'll spare the details (this is already TOO long!), but it was doomed from the beginning.
Being raised the way I was, divorce was NOT an option, so I thought if we had a child it would help. It didn't. So, I had another one. And then another one. I know, I know....stupid. But, boy, am I overjoyed that I did. My children are the most special things in my life! I wouldn't trade the years of misery for anything, if it meant they wouldn't be here. I ended up gaining about 70 pounds over the years. So--I was miserable from the marriage, from the weight, you name it.
One day, I saw a picture of myself and started crying. I didn't realize I had let myself go so badly. That day was a red-letter day for me. I made up my mind that I would lose the weight. I successfully lost 68 pounds! But I was still miserable inside.
Ultimately, I had an affair with another married man. WRONG WRONG WRONG...I knew it. but I was SO starved for attention that I couldn't see straight. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the most devastating mistake I have ever made. This man (I use this term very loosely) pursued me with a vengence. He sent tons of flowers, letters, cards, emails, etc. and told me how beautiful I was and that my husband didn't "know what he had." He would show up at my place of employment and bring me gifts. I was an extremely weak woman and succumbed to his reasoning. The affair lasted less than a month, but the damage was done. My marriage really suffered after this, even though he took me back. I tried extremely hard to make the marriage work, but we had absolutely no foundation--no trust between us. He had weak character and it was proven by some of the dishonest things he did. He continued to lie to me about various things until one day I had enough. So, I filed for divorce. My immediate family was horrified. Of course, they didn't know the whole story. To this day, I don't really speak of it. There was a lot of abuse, emotionally. I had turned into a depressed, emotionally-starved, insecure person. I am still recovering today.
While I was awaiting my divorce to be finalized (it took over a year), I met a wonderful man (my current and final husband). He knew I was "technically married", but he didn't care. We clicked from the beginning! We both knew that we had met our soul-mate (I denied this even existed until him!). A month after my divorce was signed by the judge, we got married. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He keeps me grounded and is amazingly supportive! Not many men would "take on" a woman with three children and a bitter ex-husband. We have been in court three times...two of which were custody battles that were very ugly. My ex has tried everything in the book....including trying to prove I'm unfit. [which--by the way, the judge hammered him; even made him pay all court costs AND attorney's fees!] We just finished
another mediation, so we are preparing to receive another filing from his attorney (attorney #4). So far, all his attempts have proven unsuccessful. I can't imagine it would change now!
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Okay - let me recount for you.......I was the ruined, "didn't get along with my dad", divorced, re-married woman who had an affair and destroyed a marriage--light years away from my siblings' "perfected existence".
I still have to work daily to convince myself that I am a wonderful creation and am worthy of love and what God has to offer me.
Whew-----------this turned into a volume! Didn't mean for it to..........
And believe it or not, I really condensed it!
I'll write more later; got to get back to work.
